‘Hellboy’ is both disappointing and exhausting

Are you smarter than a fifth grader? The writers of “Hellboy” don’t make the grade. Some movies are so bad, they’re good. Then, there’s this mind-numbing, head-splitting reboot of the quirky 2004 original that starred Ron Perlman and directed by Oscar winner Guillermo del Toro. This turbulent and gory monster mash features an extremely high body count, including putting this successful franchise through a slow painful death.

In fairness, David Harbour is remarkable becoming Hellboy, the melancholy lunk with a dry sense of humor and heart of gold. Horror queen, Milla Jovovich is captivating as the Blood Queen, Ian McShane is solid as Professor Broom, and we had no issues with the rest of the cast, other than feeling bad that they had to endure this frenetic script.

Having enjoyed the original and sequel, we knew this was not a Disney flick. But this storyline consisted mostly of slashing, stabbing, eye gouging and limb ripping. There seemed to be a decent premise in there somewhere, but the story plays more like a series of brutally violent scenes duct taped together and edited with a machete.

Screenwriter Andrew McCarthy, in his first feature-length film, too often chooses lengthy narrated explanations over character development, cliché’s over creativity and gratuitous and misplaced vulgarity in place of expected dialog. We’re not sure if the inane writing was inept or just lazy, but it was both boring and exhausting at the same time.

To make matters worse, the third rate CGI monsters were so poorly rendered, we question the priorities of the production team’s use of its $50 million budget. One of the more evil and grotesque monsters inexplicably plays like a character from Monty Python. And, the musical score is so random; it often doesn’t align to the scenes in play.

Based on the graphic novels by Mike Mignola, this version is not a sequel. Mignola wanted to avoid references to the successful prior two films but did not want a complete reboot. He suggested that director Neil Marshall (“Centurian”) downplay the superhero elements and focus on the darker tone of the graphic novels, ugh!

The story begins in the dark ages of 517 A.D., with references to King Arthur, Merlin and the Blood Queen (whaaat?), whose dismembered body parts are strewn to the four corners of the earth. The story then jumps to present day, where in England, Hellboy is told of a giant problem. Apparently, they have discovered giants and they are a problem.

There, Hellboy meets Ben Daimo (Daniel Dae Kim) who protests, “I thought we were supposed to be fighting monsters, not working with them.” Hellboy retorts, “Who are you calling monster, pal? Have you looked in the mirror recently?” Interesting that most of the jokes that land are told from off-screen or when the actors’ backs are turned, indicating they were edited in post-production from last minute re-writes.

Caught between the worlds of supernatural and human, Hellboy leads the battle against the ancient sorceress and her army. Bent on revenge against the world, the Blood Queen suggests, “You are a king and we belong together!” Hellboy replies, “We do, but it’s not going to work, you know, cause I’m a Capricorn and you’re freaking nuts!”

“Hellboy” is two hours and rated R for strong bloody violence, language and gore throughout. This movie left us deeply traumatized with injuries to our eyes, ears, mind and sense of decency. Ok, it wasn’t that bad, but we were really disappointed and maybe rightfully upset about what they did to this storied franchise.

Einstein once said there are two things that are infinite: the universe and stupidity, and he was no longer sure about the universe. Naturally, there are levels of stupidity, but this one rises to the top (or bottom). It was difficult to watch but Hellboy said it best, “Now I’ve been to purgatory and to Hell.” The Brits might have the best term for this sadistic carnage with their own exclamation, “Bloody Hell!”

Ron’s Rating: D
Leigh’s Rating: D