Revising my New Year’s resolution list for 2020

BY Pat Van Dyke

When all the presents were opened and Christmas carols were no longer ringing over the radio waves, I moved on to the next major holiday: New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day.

For our family, New Year’s Eve means streaming a movie, eating leftover Christmas candy and watching the “ball to drop” on Eastern Standard Time. New Year’s Day means cinnamon rolls for breakfast, The Tournament of Roses on TV, football, soup, followed by more football and more soup.

But this year, I added one more thing to my list of “to-dos.” I made a few additions to my usual and only New Year’s resolution to “never own a dog.”

I sort-of broke my standard resolution on Dec. 21 of last year. I don’t actually “own a dog,” but we did give a dog to my daughter for Christmas. Since my daughter lives with us, so does the dog. I guess I can consider Emma my grand-dog.

This “burp” in last year’s resolution has caused me to look more carefully at the task of resolution-making. I made a more comprehensive list this year. They cover all my “slight imperfections.”

I resolved to not roller skate during this coming year. Keep in mind that I gave away my roller skates years ago and lost the key to the roller skates of my youth, but you never know when someone might ask you to roller skate and it’s nice to already have an excuse.

I resolved to discover “Who let the dogs out?” That question has been burning a hole in my brain since that first time I heard the song.

I resolved to help my friends more. I plan to help my friends all gain 10 pounds, so I’ll look skinnier than they do.

I resolved to not take laxatives and sleeping pills the same night.

I resolved to change my password from “password” to “username” and my username from “username” to “password.”

I resolved to eat more bacon and less okra.

I resolved to lose weight by hiding it someplace that I will never find it.

I will get a new scale because the one I have must be broken because my scale and I don’t weigh our opinions on things the same way.

I resolved to invent a fad diet, possibly eating according to color. Cauliflower, creamed corn and white chocolate all belong to the same food group.

I will not hide my dirty dishes in the oven when I have unexpected company.

I resolved to give away all my clothing that I have not worn during the past 6 months.

I will wear all my clothing at least once in the next 6 months.

I resolved to save money for a rainy day. Whenever it rains, I plan to shop online.

I resolved to eat out more often. I’ll visit Costco whenever they have free samples.

I will not procrastinate, but not until next year.

I resolved to consider 10 a.m. snacks as real meals and candy corn as a vegetable.

My final New Year’s resolution is to break one of my New Year’s resolutions. This way, I keep at least one of my resolutions!

The new year means I have made it successfully through another year. I may be debating which resolutions I should keep this year, but I do have one thought for this new year:

“A happy new year! Grant that I may bring no tear to any eye. When this new year in time shall end, let it be said I’ve played the friend, have lived and loved and labored here and made of it a happy year,”  by Edgar Guest.