Vowing to tackle my tarter, but not floss

Pat Van Dyke
Columnist, The Friday Flyer

This past week I learned that I am not alone regarding flossing your teeth.  It’s not that I think it’s unnecessary, I just don’t floss.  When asked by my dentist or his hygienist if I floss, I have been known to be a bit untruthful. Usually, I’m a truthful person, but when it comes to visiting my dentist for any reason, another personality takes over my body and she’s not very honest.

Don’t get me wrong.  I have been going to the same dentist for years and I love him and his staff.  In fact, I have outgrown the original dentist and now his son, whom I used to see as a toddler visiting his father, is my dentist.  You know that you’re getting old when the son of your once “young dentist” is now your “new young dentist.”

A few days ago, I happened to run across an article that said that twenty-seven percent of adults lie to their dentists about how often they floss their teeth.  I don’t know where the survey was taken and it well could have been with a just-discovered primitive tribe deep in the jungle of South America, but I’m going with it because it validates my own dishonesty about flossing.

The article also stated that over one-third of the people surveyed would rather be involved in doing an unpleasant chore than flossing their teeth. In fact, fourteen percent would rather clean their toilet. If I was given the choice of either flossing my teeth or cleaning my toilets, I would have the cleanest toilets in town!

Reading this totally up-to-date article made a huge difference in my life.  I am not alone! I have “brothers and sisters” who join me in my quest to limit the discussion of flossing!  I’m not saying that you shouldn’t floss.  I’m just saying, “Let’s not talk about flossing so much.” It makes me and fourteen percent of our country’s population feel very uncomfortable.  I put teeth flossing right up there with head lice!

It’s kind of like underwear.  We all know that we wear it and we all know that we change it but how often have you discussed how often you change your underwear with others?  It a personal decision that you keep to yourself.  In the same way, the merits of flossing your teeth is not a discussion that I need to have sitting around the dinner table. I already know that I don’t do it and I have no plans to start anytime soon.

But worse than the actual act of not flossing is the fact that I told my dentist and dental hygienist that “sometimes I do.”

If having the dental hygienist floss your teeth every six months can be consider active flossing, then mark me as an active flosser, but if she realizes that “sometimes” only refers to the times that I am actually sitting in the dental chair, then I am doomed!

For my entire adult life, every six months I have been asked. “Do you floss?”  That’s when the lie starts to form in my head.  Well, I really don’t lie, I just purposely misunderstand her question.  After all, I worked with junior high students for 35 years and learned how to twist a half-lie into a half-truth from experts.

“Do you floss? …..it depends how you look at it grammatically. If I put the verb “floss” in the present tense, I can safely answer “Yes.”  Present tense means “now” and she is standing there “now” with floss wrapped around her thumb and index finger so there’s a pretty good chance that my teeth are going to be flossed in the next five minutes which can definitely be construed to mean “now.”

As soon as the flossing begins, my dental hygienist and I go from the future verb tense, “I will floss your teeth,” to the present verb tense, “I floss your teeth,” to the past tense, “I flossed your teeth,” in two minutes.  That has to count for something in the world of flossing.

But, if she’s a fellow grammarian and states the question in the present perfect tense which means that flossing was begun in the past and is being completed at the present time or is continuing into the present time, then I have a real problem!  I live in fear of hearing the question, “Have you been flossing?” All the sentence diagramming in the world wouldn’t get me out of that one.

I did try to floss once and by the time that I had the floss and my fingers in my mouth, there was no space left to manipulate the floss around my tooth.  It was then that I discovered that you have to be a professional finger contortionist to effectively floss your teeth. This attempt happened about 30 years ago and it’s on this one experience that I “hang my hat.” I have now come to the conclusion that the dental hygienist didn’t asked when; she just asked me if I do and I did……once!

Then there’s Pastor Pete, the Professional Flosser.  If anyone could earn a PhD in flossing, he could! He spends hours every month twisting the floss around his fingers and pulling out all sorts of edible items from between his teeth.  When he is “floss deficient,” he becomes creative and will grab the nearest item to complete his task: old envelopes, business cards, sales receipts, anything.  If they gave an Emmy out for “Exceptional Teeth Flossing,” he would win hands down!

I will remain flossing impaired. But all is not lost! As of today, I vow that daily, I will take my electric toothbrush and Waterpic in my hand and “tackle my tarter.”  It’s the least I can do.