Who passed and who flunked the hearing test?

Pat Van Dyke Columnist, The Friday Flyer

Pat Van Dyke
Columnist, The Friday Flyer

I have been told that once you are retired, couples tend to do more things together. So far, my journal entries of “shared experiences” consist of “date nights” at Stater Brother’s grocery store and an occasional trip to Lowe’s.

However, I have noticed a great change in the past few months. The clerks no longer call me “Ma’am.” They have changed to “Miss” with a twinkle in their eyes.

I think they are trying to be funny, but I don’t see it that way. More often than not, some high school-aged kid asks me if I need help putting my groceries on the moving belt. There is no way I’m going to admit that I need help with that! When all of the groceries are back in the cart, they ask if I need help out to my car. The only question I want to hear is, “Paper or plastic?” After that, I’m a totally independent septuagenarian!

Recently, I’ve noticed that we’re saying “Huh?” and “What” more times than previously, so I determined that it was time to venture into a new territory. As a result, Pastor Pete and I found ourselves “traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind. My next stop, the Hearing Test Zone!”

Pastor Pete, convinced that his hearing problem was marginal at the most, but just as fully convinced that I had a definite need for hearing aids, gladly agreed to share in this experience. He looked at this as an opportunity to convince me that, indeed, I was “mumbling” more often than not.

With a “shared experience,” in mind I booked our hearing tests back-to-back. I knew that this event would bring us closer together as we shared in each other’s hearing test victories.

We are now at the age that we revel in every little thing. Just this morning, we both remembered what day it was without first looking at the morning newspaper. We broke out a new bottle of prune juice!

Always being the one who want to “get it over first,” Pastor Pete gladly entered the sound-proof chamber, sat on the large chair, and placed on the head phones – but not until he told the audiologist that it looked like an electric chair. (Being tactful is not one of his best features!)

The test started, and he was very confident as he repeated such words as “basketball, baseball and hotdog.” I could see a sport theme beginning to form. Pastor Pete was in his element.

Next was the part of the test to measure high-pitched sounds. I had a feeling things were going downhill when the audiologist leaned over to me and whispered, “How would he feel about having hearing aids?” I reacted with a quiet but strong “Halleluiah, I don’t mumble!”

The “electric chair” was now all mine and I knew the words to say! I answered “basketball, baseball, hotdog, and even added pineapple.” I do have to admit that I did have to strain a little to hear those high-pitched sounds; but having the thought, “He’s not going to beat me,” made me strain all the harder!

Next stop was the otolaryngologist. (ENT Doctor – I love it that I actually know this word!) The results were in: I barely passed, but Pastor Pete totally flunked!! “Barely passing” is only a few points above “totally flunking,” but it still means that I did better than Pastor Pete. I can’t beat him in running a race or swimming a lap, so I’ll take barely passing a hearing test. I’m not proud! I’ll take a victory any way that I can get it!

The doctor explained that if I would say “Take off your hat,” Pete would hear “Take out the cat.” Before we left the doctor’s office, I reminded Pete to get his coat, to which he answered, “There’s a goat?” But I knew we were in big trouble when, as we traveled home, he looked at me and said, “Now, tell me about the doctor’s cat.”

At this point, Pastor Pete does not think it is necessary for him to purchase hearing aids and that’s fine with me. Just yesterday, I said to him, “Did you take out the trash?” He handed me $50 and said, “Here’s the cash.” This is going to work great for me!! Chico’s here I come!




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